by R.B, NSW

I loved my job… or I thought I did. I had done the same job for 14 months, working five days a week in a very physically demanding position, as a waitress in a busy cafe where I was literally running most of the time.

I thought I loved it because it was exciting and it was social.

But what I thought was excitement was actually just my nervous system being stressed out because of the demands of work. I noticed that my nervous system was stressed out because I would wake often at night needing to pee, find it hard to relax, and always needed to do things, even on my days off or on my breaks, which are all signs of an over-active nervous system. It was as if my body was in constant ‘fight or flight’ mode. After taking some time off work and creating a slower pace to live in, I can really feel the difference between how I am now and how I was then.

What I have come to admit, and finally be aware of today, is that it is not very social: it is in fact so busy that you do not have much time to be social and to connect. In saying that, I am grateful for a few very special connections that I have made at work with co-workers, and these will remain strong once I leave. But I also have to admit that I CHOSE to stay there even though there was a lot of abuse in the form of bullying. I chose that because I am used to abuse: so used to it that I do not call it for what it is. I did not want to ‘rock the boat’ or make others not like me.

So last week I was happy to go to work… and then a week later I have had a major turnaround.

This turnaround comes from having ‘called out’ the abuse for what it was: I chose to not put up with people with their hangovers from drinking and taking drugs, who shout and are rude. I have felt in my body how incredibly exhausted it is, and I have chosen to make a change – for after all, it is only I who can really do this for myself.

With deciding that I needed to resign, I re-wrote my resume and sent three copies out. I have already been to a job interview and have another to go to. This has all happened in a week: if you had asked me two weeks ago if I was looking for another job I would have answered, “I am happy where I am”.

I have to admit that the reason I stayed in that environment for so long was because I was comfortable, and I didn’t want to get to the truth of what was really going on.

This has been a great week for getting honest and making changes… and this morning I read a message on Facebook – “It’s choice, not chance that determines your destiny”.

I know deep down inside what is true or not, or what is right or not, but I have been so very well practised at not listening to that.

I am going to be changing that, and look forward to listening to myself more and more!